You guys, are you watching as much reality tv as I am? I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m watching more trashy television than I ever have. Before, you get worried, it is important you realize that i am categorically NOT watching anything that involves the Kardashians. That is strictly Allen territory. Allen and Ernie territory, actually. For anyone not familiar (which would be everyone), Ernie is what my father likes to call himself. He would also like you to call him that. At my last birthday party one of my friends mistakenly referred to him as Mr. Shrayber and my dad looked at her like she was crazy before loudly exclaiming “who the hell is Mr.Shrayber, man? My name is Ernie!” in his thick Russian accent. My dad is hardcore. And he loves the Kardashians. And talking about the Kardashians with Allen. Which is good, because I was always worried that my father and my boyfriend would have nothing to talk about before Kim Kardashian’s sex tape came along.

Speaking of reality tv, though? Who else is watching “Platinum Hit” and “The Glee Project” and enjoying the hours of cringe-worthy entertainment they bring? Honestly, I don’t even know how this glee monstrosity is a thing, because it should be a crime to put teenage drama club members on television. There is just so much crying and overacting and “feeling vulnerable” that I don’t know how the camera people are not constantly dropping their equipment in order to throw up the contents of their lunch into the nearest receptacle. That’s got to be a liability law suit right there, and the worst part is that it would probably just give these teenspians (I just made that up! It is a mixture of teen and thespian! Now I am going to write a book, just like Teresa Guidice!) more fodder. One of the character is an insufferable young monster named Lindsey (aren’t they always?) and she would be all  ”When Rodney dropped his camera and upchucked into the bushes, I knew that I was doing something right. He was obviously touched by my heart-wrenching and vulnerable performance of Katy Perry’s ‘California Gurls.” She is probably going to win.

There is a better class of reality shows out there, but you’re not going to find them on television. For instance, I am certain that not even Logo (which runs basically anything, if you’ve seen “The A-list” or “Set-up Squad”) would air this delightful tutorial on how to give an Opossum a pedicure (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MRE2K3x-AY&feature=youtube_gdata_player), even though it is probably one of the most entertaining things you will ever see. The video features jokes (“I said hoary!”), admonitions to never put false fingernails on an Opossum, and best of all, five minutes with Pearl (pearlme.com) who is the creator of the video and whose backstory (please go to her site) claims that she was raised by squirrels. After watching this entire thing, I am not so sure it isn’t true. I am also not entirely sure that this isn’t just Mary Steenburgen playing an elaborate prank on all of us (favorite.actress.ever.) but who cares? The “Opossum Pedicure Song”(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_w7hVSWEZc&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
 makes life worth living!

On a side note, I have no idea how this woman makes it so that the Opossum lets her paint its nails. I used to have to give my Rabbit a pedicure (and sometimes still do when the former roommate she now lives with is afraid of getting eaten) and let me tell you, that was an ordeal. I would have to first trick Ms. Cleo onto a towel or blanket, and then swaddle her in it as quickly as possible in order to disarm her and make sure she did not take huge chunks out of me with her claws and teeth (she was vicious, you guys. Once she scratched the inside of my arm and it totally looked like I had tried to slit my wrists. I had a lot of explaining to do when Allen got home), before pulling out a paw to check for over-grown nails. And even then there was like a 75 percent chance I’d get scratched in the face. I was barely able to cut her nails let alone paint and file them. How does she do it?

Just in case you don’t believe that animals can be incredibly evil, I introduce you to “Animals Being Dicks,” (http://animalsbeingdicks.com/page/3) a compendium of gifs that exhibit our furred and feathered friends at their very crankiest and most evil. I particularly like the video of the dog projectile defecating on the woman who has just lifted his tail. Disgusting or not (yes, very disgusting), it teaches us an important lesson, primarily that one should not go around inspecting the private areas of another loving being without due cause. This I learned in preschool as I ran screaming from my friend Luyba as she lifted up her shirt to show me what she had under there while we were behind her house. I ran all the way home and told my mother, who forbade me from ever playing with Luyba again. Which was good, because besides wanting to show me things I had no interest in seeing, she was also incredibly mean and was always finding ways tom get me in trouble. Moral of story: private parts are private.

That’s all for this week. Please send me (mark@vegansaurus.com) links for next eek and have a non-volatile Wednesday!

Clinical psychology.

Boring others.

Crying myself to sleep.

street performers.

Ate oatmeal.

Hated myself.

Hello and welcome to an exciting new feature that I like to Call “What The F Wednesdays.” Notice that I did not write the whole word because I want this post to be classy and family-friendly. Kind of like Hooters, but without the chicken wings. Or the girls in tight-fitting uniforms. Or the deep-fried pickles (which are, admittedly, the best part of the Hooters experience. Here is how you can make them(http://www.veganhappyhour.com/?p=224)! See we are learning already!).

Now, let’s jump right into the fuckery (oops!) going on this week:

First up, we have a bear who got killed for being a bear (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39253451/ns/us_news-environment/). The Montana state officials said that the bear was “euthanized” for being a “trouble-maker” and “violating the three strikes” law. Oh, okay. I didn’t know you could communicate with Bears, people of Montana. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for you and I’m also sure that the Bear was read her fucking rights after her last offense in which she TURNED OVER SOME GARBAGE CANS while WREAKING HAVOC with her cubs. The Bears were caught once during the summer and relocated to another part of Montana, BUT SURPRISE THEY RETURNED. The game warden in Helena is curious how the Bears found their way home and suggests that they “have some kind of homing device.” NO SHIT, idiot. I know where I live, too. And I bet if you were kidnapped for doing what you do (which is being an idiot), taken to a different part of the state, and let out into the wild you would find your way to your little hamlet, too. How are animals different? Because they can’t talk? What is wrong with you? Also: The article reports that residents know that they should keep their garbage and pets indoors because the bears are around. THAT’S RIGHT. BEARS KILL CHICKENS SOMETIMES. AND YOU WERE TOLD TO KEEP YOUR SHIT INSIDE. BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO REASON. BUT BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO NOT REASON SOME CUBS’ FUCKING MOM GOT MURDERED. OVER YOUR PRECIOUS GARBAGE. What is wrong with you people? Just clean that stuff up and get over yourselves.

Ok, what’s next? Oh, it’s a woman who shot an alligator (http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2010/09/17/ma_woman_bags_1025_pound_alligator_in_sc_lake/). Oh, but it’s not just any alligator. It is her first alligator! And it weighed 1,025 pounds! And it was apparently “the hunt of a lifetime!” That is awesome! Congratulations on being a horrible person, Maryellen Mara-Christion of Fitchburg, MA! Did you guys know that it is illegal to shoot a free-swimming Alligator in MA? For a second, i thought this woman was going to be in trouble but, HELL NO, it’s okay to shoot the Alligator AS LONG AS YOU HAVE HOOKED IT TO YOUR BOAT BEFORE YOU HARPOON/SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD. Unfortunately, Maryellen DID NOT HAVE A GUN THAT WAS POWERFUL ENOUGH, so when it turned out that SHOOTING THE ALLIGATOR IN THE HEAD wasn’t going to cut it, Maryellen decided to take matters into her own hands. BY PLUNGING A KNIFE INTO THE ALLIGATOR AND SEVERING ITS SPINE! Charming! Equally charming is Maryellen’s description of the killing: “It was just shake, shake, shake,” she said. “I was shaking for a long time after, but that happens when you hunt.”

Maryellen says that each animal she hunts is a “unique experience” and that she is not “afraid of the alligators.” Seriously? YOU HAVE GUNS AND HARPOONS! AND YOU CONSIDER KILLING A UNIQUE EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME. Why is it that we’re euthanizing bears who are tipping garbage cans and not douchebagels like this Maryellen here. Where is the justice, yo?

OK, OK!!!! DON’T WORRY!!! RAGE SUBSIDING!!! HERE COMES CUTENESS!!!

Laura just hepped me (lolz!) to this awesome video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wouG4GpL1-I) of people dressed as MY LITTLE PONY doing musicals. Seriously, when the blue pony is doing “Defying Gravity” and climbs up onto the ramp to sing the grand finale, I almost cried. Not just because it is a fucking pony singing and dancing, but because it wanted to keep the INTEGRITY OF THE ORIGINAL STAGING! Why is there not more stuff like this out on the internet? Usually you just get this guy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoe4KPmEZL8) doing songs from “A Chorus Line” with the MOST AMAZING DRAMATIC HEADROLLS I HAVE EVER SEEN! How does he not give himself whiplash? He used to do an amazing cover of “Part of Your World,” but that is gone now. Oh wait, here it is (http://www.youtube.com/user/BryceAlister#p/u/52/nq3XHWxQLnA). Unfortunately it is not his original version, but the CAMERA WORK and props are amazing.

So that’s all for this week. I am hoping to make “WTF Wednesday” a weekly thing, and I hope you will help me! If you happen to come across something amazing/fucked-up/dramatic that pertains to Vegans, Vegetarians, adorable animals, animals singing, or anything else that is SUPER AWESOME during your travels on the information super-highway, please send me a link at my brand-new email address, mark@vegansaurus.com. If sending me an email is too much commitment (i know, we’ve only just met! But i’ve never felt this way about anyone else!), please link things in the comments!

Have a great Hump Day!!

It used to be that being a blogger was something that very few people could do (after all, it’s not like tumblr will give an account to just anyone), but thanks to ModCloth now ANYONE can look like they’re a blog writer or a blog editor (Didn’t Barbizon have a tagline like this?) thanks to their hideous/ly overpriced dresses that will have everyone turning their heads and commenting “Oh my, is that a blogger? Well, she must be! Just look at that dress. She must be off to another meeting with one of her many fans. Oh, I just bet they’re going to be eating cupcakes and chatting the night away! Oh, To be her!*”

I’m going to have to be honest with you here: As much as I want you to believe that the people who write Vegansaurus are sitting around at home dressed as 18th century chambermaids and that the blog editors (WHO GET TWO DRESSES BECAUSE THEY HAVE DUAL ROLES!) spend their days dressed like Hellen Mirren in “No Such Thing,” complete with an Anjelica Huston bob and a permanently lit-cigarette, I cannot tell a lie. Or rather, I cannot lie to you because I am afraid that someone out there is going to spend over a hundred dollars on an awkward beige dress in the hopes that it will make them look like they have made it in the blogosphere.

Here is what our ensembles generally consist of:
-A tshirt stained with the remnants of an entire bag of morning star crumbles that we may or may not have just eaten whole and did not wait to thaw out.
-Sweatpants laced with a delicate swirl of almond milk and diet coke.
-An Animal Rights sweatshirt if it is too cold. We each have about a million of these. People are always either giving them to us because, as vegans and vegetarians we must have no other interests, or we are ordering the really cute ones from the internet.
-Unless you’re me. Then you’re only wearing a scowl.

*This is honestly (just barely) modified copy. I don’t even know if the people at modcloth know what a blog is. Why do all of us eat cupcakes and wear leggings?

There is nothing cuter than an animal being adorable with a tech gadget. When I was still running a menagerie out of my room I was always trying to get my hamsters and guinea pigs to take interest in the newest gameboy advance offerings or to help me with the buttons of the first-generation DS Lite. Unfortunately, they were not into it and preferred to urinate all over my lap instead of trying to assist me with daring princess rescues and magical planet-saving. Selfish bastards!

Fortunately, I now know that next time I want an awesome animal to play with, I should count on a Gorilla. Because Gorillas will get down on some Tetris.

Check out these pictures of a Gorilla at the SF Zoo playing with a DSI XL that some kid dropped into its cage. The article states that the Gorilla eventually lost interest in the game, but I assure you that’s only because the gorilla has good taste and recognizes that the DSi XL is a clunky, over-sized, and fairly useless upgrade. If that kid had dropped a DSi into the enclosure, he would have had to wrestle his system out of the Gorilla’s cold and life-less clutches.

http://www.gamesradar.com/ds/nintendo-ds/news/boy-drops-ds-in-gorilla-cage-inadvertently-creates-the-best-photo-op-ever/a-20100809164147990097/g-20060308162345714070

God, if that horrible Lady Gaga monstrosity wasn’t enough, now designers are sending meat dresses down the runway at Fashion Week. Jeremy Scott (who is this person? I just looked up his designs and they are HORRIBLE. I’m not going to link, though, because I don’t want to give him more publicity than I already am by writing this) got a standing ovation after he sent a dress/bikini/godawful mess that looked like prosciutto down the runway. I don’t know what worse, the fact that is is so ugly or the fact that the NY Daily News says that unlike GagONADRUMSTICK’s dress it only APPEARED edible, IMPLYING THAT LADY GagME’s dress was made of REAL MEAT.

I don’t even…

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/fashion/2010/09/16/2010-09-16_deli_special_designer_jeremy_scott_sends_proscuitto_bikini_dress_down_the_runway.html

OH MY GOD! her dress was real meat. How are you gonna do us like that, Lady Gaga? How are you going to talk about the rights of others and how we all deserve them as you are standing there wearing a dress made of animals who not only have no rights but lost their lives to cover your genitals as you stand there talking about love and equality?Where is your SELF-AWARENESS? and where was it when your designer was stitching 25 pounds of dead flesh to make you a garment? That sounds like a scene from some horrible fairytale.

http://findtut.com/designer-lady-gagas-meat-dress-made-from-real-meat-from-my-family-butcher-1014009

And then she’s all about not meaning any direspect to Vegans or Vegetarians (here’s the clip!). IN WHAT WAY? How do you mean no disrespect when you are wearing a piece of dead cow on your head? Oh, wait…I get it! You said you’re the most “judgment-free” human being, so it must be true. First of all: impossible. No such thing as having NO JUDGMENT. Second of all, just because you say it doesn’t mean anything except that you are making grand statements about yourself with only a modicum of basis in fact. Third of all, we don’t care if you’re judging us. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. The point is that you are wasting life in order to make a statement that makes absolutely no sense and didn’t even register until YOU EXPLAINED IT and EVEN THEN, WHAT?

You’re making this really hard on me, Stefani Joanne! How am I supposed to continue defending “Bad Romance” and “Paparazzi” to haters when my own reaction to this meat-dress debacle is to scream “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” through a motherfucking bullhorn? SERIOUSLY!

you know, you see a lot of horrible things when you spend a lot of time on the internet. There’s that girl throwing puppies into a river a couple of weeks ago, factory workers torturing chickens, and this one video of Stella Mccartney talking about foxes going mad at a fur farm (which I co-opted and used as my signature catch-phrase during the summer of 2005. It was “This fox has gone mad!” in response to EVERYTHING. In the voice of Stella Mccartney. I don’t know how I have any friends left). And we’re not even going to touch 2girls1cup, goatse, or tub girl. The point is, I’m pretty hardened. I no longer blink at videos of men picking up pieces of a glass jar that they just broke inside their anus or videos of juggalos (god…) throwing feces at Tila Tequila (which is pretty redundant if you think about it). I am rarely surprised by what the stupid assholes on this planet can do. I’m pretty surprised, therefore, by the reaction I had to the news that some fuckheads in Santa Fe did a drive-by on a FUCKING DWARF GOAT.

WHO DOES THAT? WHY? There are just so many questions! The Nigerian Dwarf Goat, MARIA, was just chilling in her front yard, minding her business, eating some grass or a delicious piece of garbage she had scavenged and some douchebags just roll up and shoot her dead for shits and giggles. Maybe they were jealous? The Santa Fe New Mexican reports that Maria was quite popular and that people from the neighborhood often came over in the evening to have them brighten their day and nuzzle them hello. Maybe they hate rescue animals? The women who owned Maria have a whole menagerie of animals they had adopted from bad situations and were giving a more awesome life. Maybe these fuckers just hated the sense of community these animals brought to the neighborhood. Coming up with reasons isn’t very productive, though. The point is, these fuckers are horrible people and while they are still at large, the Santa Fe police department is taking this very seriously and is going to bring them up on a multitude of charges (felonies!).

I guess the silver lining is that instead of falling apart, this community has become even tighter. Neighbors helped comfort the dying Maria and her owners and have also been coming around offering to help and spend time with the surviving animals. It’s just sad to think about people doing stuff like this. Especially since apparently this isn’t  such an uncommon occurence. Reading some of the comments that this incident has generated around the internet reveals that using animals for target practice happens much more often than one would think and I am heartbroken to read anecdotes about sheep being shot with crossbows from an ATV and cows being shot at with semi-automatic weapons. Why can’t we all just get along?

http://www.santafenewmexican.com/Local%20News/Goat-dies-in-drive-by

I generally do not watch Project Runway, especially since they went to that 90 minute format where they try to sell us more HUMAN INTEREST and more of that HORRIBLE WRETCHEN(totally came up with that and have been DYING TO USE IT!), but Allen was watching it tonight and I was sitting next to him playing “Imagine Artist” on my DS pretending that we were having some semblance of quality time when one of the designers started talking about how faux fur looks cheap.
“Yeah, it looks cheap.” I told Allen. “Because fur is supposed to be warm and soft and not made of synthetic fibers. BECAUSE ANIMALS USE IT TO KEEP WARM.” Allen just ignored me as he generally does when I start getting righteously indignant about something (eating meat,stigma surrounding mental health services, Danielle Staub of the Real Housewives of New Jersey) and continued watching the show because he had worked a full day and my RI was the last thing he needed right now, but I was so fired up that I had to stop working on the serene digital landscape I was painting and glare at the TV to make sure that this Christopher was going to be appropriately chewed out by Tim Gunn for his horrible choices.

And you know what happened? Nothing! Tim Gunn, who decimates people (in the nicest way possible) for making DKNY knock-offs and letting WRETCHEN be the leader of anything (god, she is horrible) just stared for a second and then started talking about size and fit, ignoring the giant SHAVED FUR THING that Heidi Klum later called an “old lady rag sponge” (Alte Lappen Schwamm in German. Thanks, Google!) or something. HE SHAVED A FUR, you guys. And it was both cheap-looking and hella ugly. OH, AND UNIVERSALLY HATED AND MOCKED BY ALL OF THE JUDGES. Also: It was for a Jackie Kennedy challenge, and a quick search reveals that Jackie didn’t even wear fur that much because it was too ostentatious and gaudy (translation: cheap-looking). And this guy is just standing there being all “oh, I haven’t used fur in a long time/ever before. I don’t know. Whatever. I didn’t even want to do it. It’s just that the other materials, they just looked like the wrong thing to put on my Fördergebiet lebenden Geschirrtuch, The only way to do this right was to get in there and SHAVE SOME LEATHER. I’m just going to have to stand by it! Kisses!”

I’m surprised everyone just ignored the Elephant in the room at the judging, too. It was just all size this and fit that. Perhaps they thought the fur was fake considering that Project Runway has long had a no-fur stance that was overturned a couple of seasons ago when they began allowing it. The winner of one of the seasons actually used fur in her collection (gross!). And Tim Gunn is apparently anti-fur, so why did he keep quiet when all this was happening? Editing? Contract? In any case, he sure wasn’t making it work.

Here’s a tip, contestants: It’s always more awesome to be cruelty-free.People will like you more and animals will suffer less. And maybe, just maybe, your designs won’t come out looking like a  Gossenkind Hintern gemütlich!

Auf Wiedersehen!