You guys, are you watching as much reality tv as I am? I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m watching more trashy television than I ever have. Before, you get worried, it is important you realize that i am categorically NOT watching anything that involves the Kardashians. That is strictly Allen territory. Allen and Ernie territory, actually. For anyone not familiar (which would be everyone), Ernie is what my father likes to call himself. He would also like you to call him that. At my last birthday party one of my friends mistakenly referred to him as Mr. Shrayber and my dad looked at her like she was crazy before loudly exclaiming “who the hell is Mr.Shrayber, man? My name is Ernie!” in his thick Russian accent. My dad is hardcore. And he loves the Kardashians. And talking about the Kardashians with Allen. Which is good, because I was always worried that my father and my boyfriend would have nothing to talk about before Kim Kardashian’s sex tape came along.
Speaking of reality tv, though? Who else is watching “Platinum Hit” and “The Glee Project” and enjoying the hours of cringe-worthy entertainment they bring? Honestly, I don’t even know how this glee monstrosity is a thing, because it should be a crime to put teenage drama club members on television. There is just so much crying and overacting and “feeling vulnerable” that I don’t know how the camera people are not constantly dropping their equipment in order to throw up the contents of their lunch into the nearest receptacle. That’s got to be a liability law suit right there, and the worst part is that it would probably just give these teenspians (I just made that up! It is a mixture of teen and thespian! Now I am going to write a book, just like Teresa Guidice!) more fodder. One of the character is an insufferable young monster named Lindsey (aren’t they always?) and she would be all ”When Rodney dropped his camera and upchucked into the bushes, I knew that I was doing something right. He was obviously touched by my heart-wrenching and vulnerable performance of Katy Perry’s ‘California Gurls.” She is probably going to win.
There is a better class of reality shows out there, but you’re not going to find them on television. For instance, I am certain that not even Logo (which runs basically anything, if you’ve seen “The A-list” or “Set-up Squad”) would air this delightful tutorial on how to give an Opossum a pedicure (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MRE2K3x-AY&feature=youtube_gdata_player), even though it is probably one of the most entertaining things you will ever see. The video features jokes (“I said hoary!”), admonitions to never put false fingernails on an Opossum, and best of all, five minutes with Pearl (pearlme.com) who is the creator of the video and whose backstory (please go to her site) claims that she was raised by squirrels. After watching this entire thing, I am not so sure it isn’t true. I am also not entirely sure that this isn’t just Mary Steenburgen playing an elaborate prank on all of us (favorite.actress.ever.) but who cares? The “Opossum Pedicure Song”(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_w7hVSWEZc&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
makes life worth living!
On a side note, I have no idea how this woman makes it so that the Opossum lets her paint its nails. I used to have to give my Rabbit a pedicure (and sometimes still do when the former roommate she now lives with is afraid of getting eaten) and let me tell you, that was an ordeal. I would have to first trick Ms. Cleo onto a towel or blanket, and then swaddle her in it as quickly as possible in order to disarm her and make sure she did not take huge chunks out of me with her claws and teeth (she was vicious, you guys. Once she scratched the inside of my arm and it totally looked like I had tried to slit my wrists. I had a lot of explaining to do when Allen got home), before pulling out a paw to check for over-grown nails. And even then there was like a 75 percent chance I’d get scratched in the face. I was barely able to cut her nails let alone paint and file them. How does she do it?
Just in case you don’t believe that animals can be incredibly evil, I introduce you to “Animals Being Dicks,” (http://animalsbeingdicks.com/page/3) a compendium of gifs that exhibit our furred and feathered friends at their very crankiest and most evil. I particularly like the video of the dog projectile defecating on the woman who has just lifted his tail. Disgusting or not (yes, very disgusting), it teaches us an important lesson, primarily that one should not go around inspecting the private areas of another loving being without due cause. This I learned in preschool as I ran screaming from my friend Luyba as she lifted up her shirt to show me what she had under there while we were behind her house. I ran all the way home and told my mother, who forbade me from ever playing with Luyba again. Which was good, because besides wanting to show me things I had no interest in seeing, she was also incredibly mean and was always finding ways tom get me in trouble. Moral of story: private parts are private.
That’s all for this week. Please send me (email@example.com) links for next eek and have a non-volatile Wednesday!